Who and what controls you?

trace back your decisions and be honest with your self.

 

Why did you buy the car?

Why did you buy the TV?

Why did you buy the house?

Why did you say it?

Why are you in the argument at work?

Why did you lose the job?

Pride, anger, fear, respect?

What is really driving your decisions?

What are you really valuing MORE than your relationship?  What are you really valuing more than your love of God?  Following that, what are your really valuing more than your love of your neighbor?

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Criticism

 

If you love anything in this world more than God, you will crush that object under the weight of your expectations.

expectations

expectations

expectations

What are my expectations….?

From HERE: https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/how-emotionally-intelligent-people-handle-criticism-they-dont-do-this.html

This is the second article in a series. Don’t miss the first part: How Emotionally Intelligent People Handle Criticism: The New York Times vs. Thomas Keller.)

In an early leadership role many years ago, I experienced an exchange I’ll never forget. I chastised a team member (we’ll call him David) for a major blunder. My point was valid, but I’m sure I could have delivered it better. David’s response was quick and cutting: “You know, you’re the kind of manager the rest of us hate.”

Ouch.

None of us enjoy getting criticized. It’s human nature to enjoy being right and feel a sense of hurt when we’re wrong. The thing is, we all need criticism. Although we’re generally drawn to like-minded people, those who disagree with us truly help us grow. The ones who call us out, point out our weaknesses and flaws.

Yes, the ones who challenge us make us better.

Emotional intelligence involves the ability to recognize and understand your emotions, and to use that information to guide decision making.

There are times when you shouldn’t listen to criticism–for example, when it’s based on falsehood or given in a way that’s meant to destroy your sense of self-worth.

But in reality, that’s not usually the case. And although I encourage delivering criticism in a way that’s constructive and helpful (I’ve come a long way since that first management position), these points are important when we’re giving criticism.

When we’re on the receiving end of criticism, our goal should be to learn from the feedback, and not let emotion close our minds. The key is to be proactive, not reactive. (I discuss this further in part one of this series.)

That being said, what reactions do emotionally intelligent people try to avoid when they’re criticized?

1. They don’t minimize the problem.

When receiving criticism, your first instinct might be to think: Is it really that big of a deal?

Maybe it is, or maybe it isn’t. For the person who brought it to your attention, it was. And you can be sure it will be for others, too.

REALITY:  For the person who brought it to your attention, it was.

Remember: When you’re striving for excellence, the small stuff matters.

2. They don’t rationalize.

As a young teen, when Dad came home and asked why I hadn’t taken the garbage out, I would respond:

“Well, I kind of took the garbage out. See, it’s right next to the door. I was planning on dumping it in a few minutes.”

It didn’t help then, and it doesn’t help now.

3. They don’t make excuses.

If someone has the courage to tell you your presentation stunk, don’t waste time explaining that you needed more time to prepare or you didn’t know who your audience would be.

Instead, ask why it stunk. Then listen carefully.

4. They don’t justify themselves.

OK, this one comes with a caveat. Obviously, you shouldn’t automatically take the fall for something you didn’t do, and there are circumstances when you’ll need to defend yourself.

But in general, keeping a learning mindset when it comes to criticism will bring the most benefit. When you see yourself as right all of the time, you’re missing something.

5. They don’t sidestep the issue.

Politicians and spin doctors are experts at this. But refusing to tackle issues head-on is not only bad form, it’s also self-defeating.

The first step in improving any weakness: Recognize that it’s there.

6. They don’t shift the blame.

For some people, it’s always the other guy’s fault. But guess what? Those individuals usually end up pretty lonely.

We can’t control others, but we can work on ourselves. When we accept criticism, apply it, and move forward, not only do we benefit–but others benefit from our example.

Putting it into practice

Let’s go back to that opening story. Although I learned a major lesson that day, we could argue that David didn’t respond with great EQ. But I took his words to heart, asked him why he felt the way he did, and learned from his honesty.

Because I did, he apologized and learned from his mistake as well.

And therein lies the moral: Nobody’s perfect; we won’t always respond in the best way possible.

But if you work at controlling yourself and your emotions, every situation becomes a chance to learn and grow–just like that one from years ago did.

 

From HERE: https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/how-emotionally-intelligent-people-handle-criticism-they-dont-do-this.html

 

 

Keller’s description of the heart as an idol factory (in Counterfeit Gods), an idea that actually originated with John Calvin but is nevertheless powerful.

 

 

Corruption

2 Peter 1

Simeon Peter, a servant and apostle of Jesus Christ, To those who have obtained a faith of equal standing with ours by the righteousness of our God and Savior Jesus Christ: May grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.  His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire.  For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue,[e] and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities[f] are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire”  — Corruption is in the world because of SINFUL DESIRE.

Where did SINFUL DESIRE come from?

Mark 7:18-30

And he said to them, “Then are you also without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into a person from outside cannot defile him, since it enters not his heart but his stomach, and is expelled?”[a] (Thus he declared all foods clean.) And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness,  deceit,  sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”

What is in your heart.

God’s absence, God’s hiding his face

https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/where-did-satans-first-desire-for-evil-come-from

Jonathan Edwards who claims that (1) free will is doing what we desire but that (2) God gives us the desire to do good. 

 

Hosea 9:9

They have deeply corrupted themselves as in the days of Gibeah:  he will remember their iniquity;  he will punish their sins.

James 1:13

13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one.

G6:7-8

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.  For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.

 

 

Eph 4:19-22

They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.  But that is not the way you learned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires,

 

Who is responsible for the corruption? Satan, “yourself/themself” or God.

2 Peter 2 — But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Master who bought them, bringing upon themselves swift destruction. And many will follow their sensuality, and because of them the way of truth will be blasphemed. And in their greed they will exploit you with false words. Their condemnation from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep.

For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell[a] and committed them to chains[b] of gloomy darkness to be kept until the judgment; if he did not spare the ancient world, but preserved Noah, a herald of righteousness, with seven others, when he brought a flood upon the world of the ungodly; if by turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to ashes he condemned them to extinction, making them an example of what is going to happen to the ungodly;[c] and if he rescued righteous Lot, greatly distressed by the sensual conduct of the wicked (for as that righteous man lived among them day after day, he was tormenting his righteous soul over their lawless deeds that he saw and heard); then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials,[d] and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment, 10 and especially those who indulge[e] in the lust of defiling passion and despise authority.

Bold and willful, they do not tremble as they blaspheme the glorious ones,11 whereas angels, though greater in might and power, do not pronounce a blasphemous judgment against them before the Lord. 12 But these, like irrational animals, creatures of instinct, born to be caught and destroyed, blaspheming about matters of which they are ignorant, will also be destroyed in their destruction, 13 suffering wrong as the wage for their wrongdoing. They count it pleasure to revel in the daytime. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions,[f] while they feast with you. 14 They have eyes full of adultery,[g]insatiable for sin. They entice unsteady souls. They have hearts trained in greed. Accursed children! 15 Forsaking the right way, they have gone astray. They have followed the way of Balaam, the son of Beor, who loved gain from wrongdoing,16 but was rebuked for his own transgression; a speechless donkey spoke with human voice and restrained the prophet’s madness.

17 These are waterless springs and mists driven by a storm. For them the gloom of utter darkness has been reserved. 18 For, speaking loud boasts of folly, they entice by sensual passions of the flesh those who are barely escaping from those who live in error. 19 They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves[h] of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved. 20 For if, after they have escaped the defilements of the world through the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled in them and overcome, the last state has become worse for them than the first. 21 For it would have been better for them never to have known the way of righteousness than after knowing it to turn back from the holy commandment delivered to them. 22 What the true proverb says has happened to them: “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire.”

 

 

In Isaiah 63:17 the prophet cries out to the people, “O Lord, why do you make us wander from your ways?” Did you hear that? “O Lord, why do you make us wander from your ways and harden our heart, so that we fear you not? Return for the sake of your servants, the tribes of your heritage.” So he ascribes to God the ultimate causality of our wandering — of Israel’s wandering into sin. How did God do that? The second half of the verse says: “Return for the sake of your servants,” suggesting, pointing that somehow God’s absence did it.

Then he says in Isaiah 64:7 (this is 9 verses later), “There is no one here who calls upon your name, who rouses himself to take hold of you; for you have hidden your face from us, and have made us melt in the hand of our iniquities.” So again it is the hiding of his face that explains the sin.

I am not saying this is a foolproof explanation of sin, but somehow God cloaked his glory from Lucifer and in the cloaking of his glory somehow, still inexplicable to me, there rises a preference in Lucifer’s heart for himself over God — who has cloaked his glory.

I don’t know how that happens, but this is a pointer that something like that might have been going on. I am simply saying this is worth pondering that God may be able to govern the presence and absence of sin, not by direct active agency, but by concealing himself.

https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/where-did-satans-first-desire-for-evil-come-from

 

 

Values to Teach Your Child

FROM HERE:

http://www.newkidscenter.com/values-to-teach-your-child.html

 

Values to Teach Your Child

Helping children to develop responsibility, honesty and respect is usually considered just as important as teaching reading or comprehension skills. There are lots of great values to teach your child, which can help them to avoid peer pressure or the temptation to conform to consumer culture’s demands. It is important to consider which values you want to teach your child and determine what the best ways are to instill these values in your child.

One of the best ways to teach values to your children is to lead by example. If you want your child to grow up to be respectful, compassionate and honest, you need to strive for these qualities within yourself. Your lessons can quickly be forgotten if your children watch you contradict what you try to teach.

9 Values to Teach Your Child

1. Honesty

As children grow, influences such as friends or the media can teach them to lie. It is important to counteract this by reinforcing the value of honesty. Children will often fear being yelled at, so let them know you will always take the time to listen to them. Applaud their courage for telling you the truth, but follow through with any punishments you have stated. If you go back on your word this is setting an example of dishonesty which can be counteractive.

2. Courtesy and Respect

Children learn respect at home based on how parents and others in their lives treat each other. Your child will strive to model your behavior, so if you are courteous, using “please,” “you’re welcome,” “thank you” and similar phrases, your child will follow suit. It is also important to teach your child how to respect others’ opinions and property so that he can create healthy relationships.

3. Gratitude

It can be all too easy to take others for granted and forget to show others that they are appreciated. Teaching your child to be thankful each day, even for the little things like a smile or good weather. Remind him that life is a blessing and not everyone has the benefits he has, such as food, shelter, friends, nice clothing, etc. Helping your child to understand this will make him more appreciative for what he has.

4. Generosity

It is easy to get caught up in what you want, and this is particularly true for children. Teaching the importance of sharing at home can help your child learn to interact with others when it comes time for school. Consider taking on a charitable cause like donating clothing or food, which can help to teach children the importance of being generous.

5. Forgiveness and Compassion

Those that are not able to forgive can grow up to be bitter. Whether or not it is intentional, people can act badly from time to time and it is important to forgive these individuals and show them compassion rather than holding a grudge that will only hurt you. You want your children to be happy, not bitter and resentful. Teaching your child to forgive and move past things can make it easier to fuel a healthier mindset.

6. Perseverance

Humans are not perfect and it often takes a few tries before we can manage a task successfully. The lesson of persistence starts when kids are young, learning to feed themselves, walk or speak. Children at this age are likely to keep trying, but as they get older they will start to compare themselves with others, which can bring feelings of inadequacy. As a parent let your child know that you are always proud of him, and when he feels discouraged try to guide him to the right solution without simply solving a problem for him. If your child learns to be persistent at a young age, then as he gets older he will always have the urge to try his best.

7. Humility

Humility is often overlooked but this is an essential quality to have. This does not necessarily mean lacking pride for your accomplishments but refers to having the courage to apologize when you have done something wrong. A good parent will stress the importance of a sincere apology.

8. Responsibility

Responsible children grow into responsible adults. It is important to teach children to take responsibility for both the good and bad actions they do. This helps to prevent your children from growing into whiny individuals who are always trying to blame others for things they have done wrong.

9. Love

Parents believe that children are naturally loving and affectionate, but in order for this to last you will need to reciprocate the emotion. Demonstrate love and affection for others in front of your child and be generous with showing love and affection toward your child as well. Surprise your child with loving gestures like slipping a note into their book bag or performing thoughtful gestures at unexpected moments.

 

From here:

http://www.newkidscenter.com/values-to-teach-your-child.html

From here:

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/science-parents-successful-children-13-things-in-common-list-a7711611.html

Any good parent wants their kids to stay out of trouble, do well in school, and go on to do awesome things as adults.

And while there isn’t a set recipe for raising successful children, psychology research has pointed to a handful of factors that predict success.

Unsurprisingly, much of it comes down to the parents.

Here’s what parents of successful kids have in common:

1. They make their kids do chores.

“If kids aren’t doing the dishes, it means someone else is doing that for them,” Julie Lythcott-Haims, former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford University and author of ‘How to Raise an Adult‘ said during a TED Talks Live event.

“And so they’re absolved of not only the work, but of learning that work has to be done and that each one of us must contribute for the betterment of the whole,” she said.

Lythcott-Haims believes kids raised on chores go on to become employees who collaborate well with their co – workers, are more empathetic because they know first – hand what struggling looks like, and are able to take on tasks independently.

She bases this on the Harvard Grant Study, the longest longitudinal study ever conducted.

“By making them do chores — taking out the garbage, doing their own laundry — they realize I have to do the work of life in order to be part of life,” she tells Tech Insider.

2. They teach their kids social skills.

Researchers from Pennsylvania State University and Duke University tracked more than 700 children from across the US between kindergarten and age 25 and found a significant correlation between their social skills as kindergartners and their success as adults two decades later.

The 20-year study showed that socially competent children who could cooperate with their peers without prompting, be helpful to others, understand their feelings, and resolve problems on their own, were far more likely to earn a college degree and have a full-time job by age 25 than those with limited social skills.

Those with limited social skills also had a higher chance of getting arrested, binge drinking, and applying for public housing.

“This study shows that helping children develop social and emotional skills is one of the most important things we can do to prepare them for a healthy future,” said Kristin Schubert, program director at the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, which funded the research, in a release.

“From an early age, these skills can determine whether a child goes to college or prison, and whether they end up employed or addicted.”

3. They have high expectations.

Using data from a national survey of 6,600 children born in 2001, University of California at Los Angeles professor Neal Halfon and his colleagues discovered that the expectations parents hold for their kids have a huge effect on attainment.

“Parents who saw college in their child’s future seemed to manage their child toward that goal irrespective of their income and other assets,” he said in a statement.

The finding came out in standardised tests: 57% of the kids who did the worst were expected to attend college by their parents, while 96% of the kids who did the best were expected to go to college.

This falls in line with another psych finding: the Pygmalion effect, which states “that what one person expects of another can come to serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

In the case of kids, they live up to their parents’ expectations.

4. They have healthy relationships with each other.

Children in high-conflict families, whether intact or divorced, tend to fare worse than children of parents that get along, according to a University of Illinois study review.

Robert Hughes, Jr., professor and head of the Department of Human and Community Development in the College of ACES at the University of Illinois and study review author, also notes that some studies have found children in non – conflictual single parent families fare better than children in conflictual two-parent families.

The conflict between parents prior to divorce also affects children negatively, while post-divorce conflict has a strong influence on children’s adjustment, Hughes says.

One study found that, after divorce, when a father without custody has frequent contact with his kids and there is minimal conflict, children fare better. But when there is conflict, frequent visits from the father are related to poorer adjustment of children.

Yet another study found that 20-somethings who experienced divorce of their parents as children still report pain and distress over their parent’s divorce ten years later. Young people who reported high conflict between their parents were far more likely to have feelings of loss and regret.

5. They’ve attained higher educational levels.

A 2014 study lead by University of Michigan psychologist Sandra Tang found that mothers who finished high school or college were more likely to raise kids that did the same.

Pulling from a group of over 14,000 children who entered kindergarten in 1998 to 2007, the study found that children born to teen mums (18 years old or younger) were less likely to finish high school or go to college than their counterparts.

Aspiration is at least partially responsible. In a 2009 longitudinal study of 856 people in semirural New York, Bowling Green State University psychologist Eric Dubow found that “parents’ educational level when the child was 8 years old significantly predicted educational and occupational success for the child 40 years later.”

6. They teach their kids math early on.

A 2007 meta-analysis of 35,000 preschoolers across the US, Canada, and England found that developing math skills early can turn into a huge advantage.

“The paramount importance of early math skills — of beginning school with a knowledge of numbers, number order, and other rudimentary math concepts — is one of the puzzles coming out of the study,” coauthor and Northwestern University researcher Greg Duncan said in a press release. “Mastery of early math skills predicts not only future math achievement, it also predicts future reading achievement.”

7. They develop a relationship with their kids.

A 2014 study of 243 people born into poverty found that children who received “sensitive caregiving” in their first three years not only did better in academic tests in childhood, but had healthier relationships and greater academic attainment in their 30s.

As reported on PsyBlog, parents who are sensitive caregivers “respond to their child’s signals promptly and appropriately” and “provide a secure base” for children to explore the world.

“This suggests that investments in early parent-child relationships may result in long-term returns that accumulate across individuals’ lives,” co – author and University of Minnesota psychologist Lee Raby said in an interview.

8. They’re less stressed.

According to recent research cited by Brigid Schulte at The Washington Post, the number of hours that mums spend with kids between ages 3 and 11 does little to predict the child’s behaviour, well-being, or achievement.

What’s more, the “intensive mothering” or “helicopter parenting” approach can backfire.

“Mothers’ stress, especially when mothers are stressed because of the juggling with work and trying to find time with kids, that may actually be affecting their kids poorly,” study co – author and Bowling Green State University sociologist Kei Nomaguchi told The Post.

Emotional contagion — or the psychological phenomenon where people “catch” feelings from one another like they would a cold — helps explain why. Research shows that if your friend is happy, that brightness will infect you; if she’s sad, that gloominess will transfer as well. So if a parent is exhausted or frustrated, that emotional state could transfer to the kids.

9. They value effort over avoiding failure.

Where kids think success comes from also predicts their attainment.

Over decades, Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck has discovered that children (and adults) think about success in one of two ways. Over at the always-fantastic Brain Pickings, Maria Popova says they go a little something like this:

A “fixed mind – set” assumes that our character, intelligence, and creative ability are static givens that we can’t change in any meaningful way, and success is the affirmation of that inherent intelligence, an assessment of how those givens measure up against an equally fixed standard; striving for success and avoiding failure at all costs become a way of maintaining the sense of being smart or skilled.

A “growth mind – set,” on the other hand, thrives on challenge and sees failure not as evidence of un-intelligence but as a heartening springboard for growth and for stretching our existing abilities.

At the core is a distinction in the way you assume your will affects your ability, and it has a powerful effect on kids. If kids are told that they aced a test because of their innate intelligence that creates a “fixed” mind – set. If they succeeded because of effort, that teaches a “growth” mind – set.

10. The mums work.

According to research out of Harvard Business School, there are significant benefits for children growing up with mothers who work outside the home.

The study found daughters of working mothers went to school longer, were more likely to have a job in a supervisory role, and earned more money — 23% more compared to their peers who were raised by stay-at-home mothers.

The sons of working mothers also tended to pitch in more on household chores and childcare, the study found — they spent seven-and-a-half more hours a week on childcare and 25 more minutes on housework.

“Role modelling is a way of signalling what’s appropriate in terms of how you behave, what you do, the activities you engage in, and what you believe,” the study’s lead author, Harvard Business School professor Kathleen L. McGinn, told Business Insider.

“There are very few things that we know of, that have such a clear effect on gender inequality as being raised by a working mother,” she told Working Knowledge.

11. They have a higher socioeconomic status.

Tragically, one-fifth of American children grow up in poverty, a situation that severely limits their potential.

It’s getting more extreme. According to Stanford University researcher Sean Reardon, the achievement gap between high- and low-income families “is roughly 30% to 40% larger among children born in 2001 than among those born 25 years earlier.”

As “Drive” author Dan Pink has noted, the higher the income for the parents, the higher the SAT scores for the kids.

“Absent comprehensive and expensive interventions, socioeconomic status is what drives much of educational attainment and performance,” he wrote.

12: They are ‘authoritative’ rather than ‘authoritarian’ or ‘permissive.’

First published in the 1960s, University of California, Berkeley developmental psychologist Diana Baumride found there are basically three kinds of parenting styles [pdf]:

Permissive: The parent tries to be non – punitive and accepting of the child

Authoritarian: The parent tries to shape and control the child based on a set standard of conduct

Authoritative: The parent tries to direct the child rationally

The ideal is the authoritative. The kid grows up with a respect for authority, but doesn’t feel strangled by it.

13: They teach ‘grit.’

In 2013, University of Pennsylvania psychologist Angela Duckworth won a MacArthur “genius” grant for her uncovering of a powerful, success-driving personality trait called grit.

Defined as a “tendency to sustain interest in and effort toward very long-term goals,” her research has correlated grit with educational attainment, grade point average in Ivy League undergrads, retention in West Point cadets, and rank in the US National Spelling Bee.

It’s about teaching kids to imagine — and commit — to a future they want to create.

 

 

From here:

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/science-parents-successful-children-13-things-in-common-list-a7711611.html

Criticism

 

 

 

 

Often the criticism is not about you.

Don’t let yourself be driven by emotions.  Instead…  Let yourself be led by the spirit.

Most angry people are hurting people.  There is some wound. Often it is about something that they do not like about themselves.  Often they are dealing with some sort of inconsistency about their lives.

Behind every anger is a hurt.

Instead of being defensive… have compassion.   How do I respond?  1) sometimes “don’t respond”  2) sometimes “respond carefully”  3) sometimes “change” because sometimes the people being hard on you are right.  4) you always work to guard your heart  “because we will not be one who lives with a critical spirit”  — “the words of the wise bring healing” – words to be life giving, to build up

Week 1

 

Week 2

Changing Your Relationships – negativity

 

Changing Your Relationships Through.mp3

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/daily-broadcast/changing-your-relationships-through-the-power-of-kindness

Shaunti Feldhahn’s book The Kindness Challenge

What did I hear?

What is kindness – based on research studies?

  • Something that impacts relationships through 3 activities:
    1. Actively witholding negativity – eliminate negativity
    2. Searching out and finding things to praise and being positive and affirming
    3. DOing – acts of generosity and DOing self sacrificing acts of generosity

Jesus commands us to be loving and kind.

Research project – 30 days with 700 people that did kindness challenge.

  • Pick someone (wife, kids, colleague)

Why do people choose for the negative?  Why do people choose to be Angry?  Why do people choose to be RIGHT more than to be happy.   Why do we choose to be bitter, angry, upset, resentful and mad.   Because it FEELS better in the moment to be angry.  It feels more satisfying.  But it rarely feels better later.

MOST People never see or realize when we are being unkind.  Most people cannot see their own negativity, lack of looking for positive and affirming feedback and lack of DOING.   We judge ourselves by our INTENTIONS but not our actual ACTIONS.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13    (ESV)

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends.  As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Types of negativity:

  1. Exasperation – when you are exasperated you are saying “you are an idiot”.
  2. Complainer – someone who takes pleasure in complaining.  Gets enjoyment from the attention they get when they complain.
  3. Fault Finder – someone who takes pleasure in seeing and highlighting the faults in others.  Shifts the focus away from themselves by pointing that the problems in others.   Often done by someone who feels inadequate.  They try to bring others down to their level or lower than their level.   These are often jealous or envious people.  Ask them:  “Are you feeling jealous or envious?   What are the reasons why you are experiencing that emotion?  Instead of projecting your negative feelings onto that person’s action/choices, ask  yourself, what can I do differently in this situation?     If I am using negativity to cover up my feelings of inadequacy or envy, and if I am focusing on why someone else shouldn’t be getting ahead, I am preventing myself from moving forward.   ASK:  What am I afraid will happen if I go for an opportunity? What’s the worst that can happen to me?  (Counselor keeps asking me this.)   Tell myself:  I can live through humiliation, defeat, and losing.  God is using this for my good.   When it is done, I will find that I am the better for it.    Force myself to to think about the other possibility… Given that God has put this in my life, what will I miss if I do not embrace Gods plan to use this to change me and make me better?   Ask:  How could God be using this for my good?   What are the best possibilities of what I would look like AFTER this is complete?   What are the best possibilities of what I would learn and be equipped with?   Assuming those come true,  think about how great that resulting future me can glorify God.  Keep our eyes on Jesus.   We are commanded to take a hold of our thoughts and command them FOR THE GLORY of God.    We are COMMANDED to love God and love our neighbor.  What is Love?  “Love is patient and kind” and “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Bear in mind that the type of love here is agape love, which is also translated as charity, or selfless love. It’s not speaking of romantic love as on “love is blind”, it’s speaking of the selfless love that puts others first.

The general consensus is that it means that if you are truly charitable, you will have the type of love trusts by default. That you’re not cynical by nature.

 Pulpit Commentary

Believeth all things. Takes the best and kindest views of all men and all circumstances, as long as it is possible to do so. It is the opposite to the common spirit, which drags everything in deteriorem partem, paints it in the darkest colours, and makes the worst of it. Love is entirely alien from the spirit of the cynic, the pessimist, the ecclesiastical rival, the anonymous slanderer, the secret detractor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changing Your Relationships Through.mp3

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/media/daily-broadcast/changing-your-relationships-through-the-power-of-kindness