Tools to equip me to love better and relationship better


The bible calls us to love others – wife, kids, family, co-workers, community – if I can recognize other’s love style and work to move mine to “Secure attachment style” I will be better equiped to love others.

  • Secure attachment style  — strive for this style – this is how heart should be developed.   Attachment.
    • Decent sence of self
      • have self worth
      • worthy of getting help
    • Get “relief” from relationships
    • Christ is our model of what the secure attachment model looks like
    • It feels comfortable to be next to “you” –

4 broken love styles.  Wounded attachment styles. AKA coping methods to survive in our “growing up” environment.  These are stress responses.

  • Vascilator love style
    • from family background with parents attention changing randomly from “I see you and I give you attention” to “I go dark, I do not see you”
    • scar/groove on heart is huge desire for connection
    • intense desire for perpetual connection
    • desire a connection (perpetual) that NEVER goes away
    • Why did you do that, why did you make me feel that way
    • Bright/Dark
  • Avoider love style
  • Pleaser love style
    • do not have a strong sense of self
    • do not have a stong sense of opinion
    • have weak boundaries – overbooked
    • do not have a stong sense of the ability to say no
    • do not tend to get angry
    • pleasers need closeness in order to feel ok
    • pleasers need others to feel ok.  they need to see a smile on someone else to feel ok
    • When they ask “how are you” they are really seeking validation
  • Chaotic love style (controller, victim)
    • from home with unpredictability
    • Person does not know they are safe
    • Parent could be abusive, dangerous, neglectful, harmful, so addicted, or mentally unhealthy
    • from home where parent is supposed to provide predictability, safety
    • child does not know what is predictable
    • child is in a frightened state without solutions
    • Child will move into one of 2 modes.
        • child takes over and takes control of environement so they can predict their world
        • high levels of rigidity
        • you had better do what I say so that you will not do something that I do not like
        • have very little sense of self
        • little sense of boundaries
        • trouble to stand up for themselves and say NO
        • they have already learned to tolerate the untolerable


do love style quiz.

Love Style Quiz

  • Fight Flight Freeze
    • Avoiders Flee
    • Pleasers Freeze
    • Vascilators Fight


Discovering Your Love Style (Part 1.mp3     Focus on the Family

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage.  

ISBN-13: 978-1400072996  Milan Yerkovich (Author), Kay Yerkovich (Author)

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